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playing with lego at my mum’s birthday party…


Daisy Chains

I see her sitting in a field of daisies. Her light blonde hair is pulled into pigtails, just like I always wore mine when I was that age. Her short, floral dress could only be from the early ’90s. I often wore one just like it to church back then. A slight breeze rustles the leaves of the eucalyptus trees. The sun shines through them, creating a dappled pattern of light and shade on my bare arms. On days like this, I can almost feel the air. Not the breeze, the air itself; the millions of tiny invisible particles which bounce around, transferring heat energy to my skin, filling my lungs and diffusing into my blood. In the same way the water in the ocean glides over your skin, resisting but parting, the air has a faint pressure; like silk. I breathe in. I feel the air in my lungs and over my arms. I see the shadow patterns dance. I hear the trees whisper. ‘You are alive’ they say ‘you are here.’

I look back at the girl, a solitary figure in the field. Her small fingers deftly shred piece after piece of grass. Although she is alone, she does not appear to be waiting for anyone. She just sits there, and shreds, contemplating perhaps. Suddenly she sees me. recognition flashes in her eyes.

‘Welcome’, she says.’Is it time to make a daisy chain? We really should have done this sooner.’ Her childish voice seems sightly at odds with her formal words. I sit down. ‘Yes, we should have.’ 

And then we start making a daisy chain. Pick one with a long enough stem. Make a hole with your fingernail, adn thread the next one through. I had only done this once before. I am sure someone knows a better way, but the girl is doing the same as me, so we continue in companiable silence. A magpie warbles. A rosella flies overhead. The sun moves behind a cloud.

‘It is time for me to go,’ I said as I stood up, stretching out my stiff back. She looked up at me and smiled. ‘Of course. But come again soon.’ I felt my heart give a little squeeze. Maybe this is just what I need. It feels like an alternate reality, but this place, and this girl, are real. No matter how much you change, your childhood never completely leaves you. The girl in the pigtails is still sitting in the field; waiting, accepting, welcoming.


Inseperable→

There is so much beauty if you look for it. 

I mentioned something like this a little while ago, but have since then been feeling a bit cynical. I have seen pregnant women smoking, mothers yelling at their children on the bus, psychiatric patients that no one will provide accommodation to because they have burnt all their bridges… I had to conclude that there is also ugliness if you look for it. You can’t live your life seeing only one side of the story. Well, maybe some people can, but most can’t. And when you can’t see the beauty, I think you  need to take the time out to find some. Here is one example.

http://weburbanist.com/2010/01/27/101-dizzying-spiral-staircases-twisted-architectural-art-photos/




american kills from Sebastian Errazuriz
So sad.
And once again, how much media coverage goes to each one…

american kills from Sebastian Errazuriz

So sad.

And once again, how much media coverage goes to each one…



“Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”

― Albert Einstein



Melancholics UN-anonymous

Happy R U OK day everyone! 

Actually I am not sure if that is a very good sentence to start with, because R U OK day is all about checking if someone is OK, or if they in fact are having some issues such as depression, other mental health problems, or just a hard time. As such, being too happy could make it difficult for someone to open up.

So why the  day with the random name? Well mainly because depression (and mental health) is a major issue in our society, but it is rarely talked about. The WHO (World Health Organisation) describes it as the leading cause of disability,  and the 4th biggest contributor to burden of disease in the world (as calculated by disability adjusted life years lost). In their calculations it is projected to be 2nd largest cause of disability and disease by 2020. Worldwide,  121 million people have depression. And if it is not enough to have that many of our friends and family suffering, there are 850 000 completed suicides every year, and many more attempts. This day is an attempt to change these statistics for the better, by creating stronger ties and better educated people. And I personally think it should be an everyday thing.


As someone who has had depression, I never felt that the stigma people often talk about was a major problem. But I did find that people don’t understand. I think they still don’t know the signs of depression; people who don’t know you well just think you are boring and apathetic. And as for friends, they don’t know what to do about it or they don’t care. I hated the question ‘how are you today’, because I had an instinctive feeling that if you say ‘actually I feel shit’ one day you get sympathy and a good chat, two-three days you get slightly hollow sympathy and after that you are just being boring or annoying. Who is going to hang out with you when you are no fun. Who is going to stand by you when there are no guarantees about how long you will be like this, or if you will ever be the same person you used to be. From my experience, not many people. And it sucks. It only makes your feelings of isolation and hopelessness worse.

So maybe it is stigma, or lack of education, or breakdown of communities. Whatever the cause(s), mental health is definitely not being dealt with as well as it could be. In 2009, 2132 people in Australia died sue to suicide. In the same year 1507 people died in road accidents. When I found this out, it shocked me. We have been having media campaign after media campaign about road safety messages. There are ones about waiting for trains, drink driving, drunk driving, stopping on country roads and numerous ones recently about creeping over the speed limit. What has there been done about decreasing the suicide death toll- which might I remind you is 40% higher than the road toll? Almost nothing. There have been a couple of ads for beyondblue, and while they have a commendable website this is not enough. 

So I say, lets do it to R U OK day. I say lets make it R U OK decade. Lets get off our ipads, turn off the tv, take out our headphones and connect into the people we see everyday. Lets get real. Lets talk about mental health. And to those who have experience, lets share our stories. The sexual revolution has come and gone; it is time for the mental health revolution. 

As for me, I had depression and I am not ashamed of it. At the moment: yes, I am OK. Thank you for asking. And you?

 

“Nobody made a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could do only a little.” -Edmund Burke 


BeCATetudes

Becatetudes: A cross between beatitudes & cat etudes (studies); ie blessings and lessons learned from cats

Welcome to the first installment of becatetudes, which will hopefully be a regular feature in the future.

Blessed are the clean and tidy, for they will not have so many nasty surprises.

It was a rainy winters night, and everyone else in the house was asleep in bed. But not me. Oh no…It was 11:30, and there I was, standing outside in an odd combination of pyjamas, clothes and dressing gown, poking my scarf with a stick. Why was I doing this, I hear you ask? Because when getting ready for bed, I decided I wanted to wear my favourite scarf the next day. So I went into the spare room I often change in when I can’t be bothered closing the blinds in my room to get it. I found it in one of the piles of clothes there, but noticed that something was not quite right. There, tangled in the tassels was a dead mouse. Or should I say, bits of a dead mouse. Whichever darling baby kitty-kins had thought wrapping a mouse up was a good idea had done a good job. there was a random bit smushed in of which I wasn’t even sure where it came from. And thus my midnight excursion to our front garden. What with being all dead and smushy, I didn’t want to get it all over my hands, but poking it with a stick didn’t work. So I cut it out in the end. And decided that I should perhaps clean up a little more often.

Blessed are then patient, for although they get the same as they would have otherwise, the wait is more enjoyable.

As we live in suburb that is densely populated with native wildlife, the main requirement for me to get a cat (apart from taking care of it myself) was that it wasn’t allowed outside without a harness and leash. As such, we will often take the cats out while we hang the washing out and tie them to the bench on the veranda. Sometimes, if they are lucky, or especially insistent, they get to go for a walk around the garden, and be tied up under a nice tree or on a nice grass patch. They love eating grass all the time for some reason. And not just to throw up like every one mentions; they rarely eat enough to throw up, but they go crazy over it! 

One lovely Sunday afternoon, I took Kitty down the back to find a prime bit of real estate for her. Squeeky was still on the veranda, as it is impossible to try and go anywhere with two cats on leashes. As soon as he saw Kitty was getting to go in the garden, he started miowing and miowing, at the top of his little lungs; straining at his leash. I laughed at him and told him in my best ‘mother’ voice to calm down, as it would be his turn soon. As if I wouldn’t take him down too! And then it hit me. While I normally think Kitty & I have more in common, in this situation, I could totally relate to him. How many times have I not trusted in God’s timing? Just like Squeeky has a much smaller attention span and view than me, God sees a bigger picture and longer timeline than me. And just because I see my friends getting things that I want, doesn’t mean that I won’t get it sometime. There are plenty of good spots in the garden. I may not have a life partner or know what I am going to do with my life, but that doesn’t matter. Everything has its time.

If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! Matt 7:11


Encounters

I love chance encounters; brief connections; little windows into the life or soul of someone who is completely different to me. Some people ‘people watch’ on purpose. I find that interesting, inspiring and amusing things just seem to pop up everywhere.

There is the bird man of North Tce, who sits on the grass surrounded by ‘the rats of the sky’ with such an expression of childish joy and bliss, that one cannot help but smile with him.

There are the young adults dancing to 80’s music in a little side room in one of the building associated with the hospital.

There was the guy ‘who used to walk down with me [to the train station]’ that I saw early one morning, while I was once again making that journey. Wandering up the hill in the middle of the road with a friend, hookah in hand, he admonished jokingly that I ‘used to associate with him’ (there is no time to stop when one is late, as always, for a train).

And a little while ago, while I was lunching in a city park, an elderly man came up to me. First he walked past me, commenting that I would probably get a wet sitting there (it was winter). I replied that the ground wasn’t really wet. A minute later he came back, and in broken english began to tell me jokes that he had found in a ‘book full of them!’

And train conversations; how I love train conversations! I recently learnt from a man I couldn’t help overhearing that he knew a physicist who had dinner with the author of ‘A Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy’. This physicist knew one question to which the answer 42, and wondered if it was the same one that was actually answered in the story. Aparently he had hit the mark. The question is: “how many times must you fold a sheet of writing paper until the depth spans from the Earth to the Moon”.

I am sure there have been many more of these little glimpses, but these are just some I noted down. And there is a whole other aspect aswell; all the natural wonders which we walk straight past. The stray cat that jumped onto my shoulder to snuggle against my face, the beautiful patterns of the clouds, the cherry blossom trees that have just started blooming… There is so much to see if we look for it.


Being a woman…

I heard an ad on the radio late last night that went something like this: “Being a woman is being confident. Being a woman is radiating beauty. Being a woman is… [using our product]” I don’t remember what the ad was for. All I remember is my scoff of “really? I don’t know any women who are confident and radiant for more than about a day a month!”

Just a few days ago, I was out at a function. “You look good; I never know you were so skinny” my friend said. I knew it was meant as a compliment, but in my mind, I immediately thought “so does that mean I usually look fat?” Typical female mind my dad called it. And I had to agree. I have been on the receiving end of my friends lists of self doubts often enough. As for me: I am too pale. My hair is flat, boring. My dress is boring, too short, not sophisticated. My face is too wide. I am too quiet, or at other times too loud and ditzy. My teeth have gaps. My bag and jewellery don’t match. So many negatives popped into my head throughout that night. Usually I quashed them down immediately. But a different one would soon come up again. 

Thinking back, the past few months have probably been the worst for this. As a kid I was incredibly happy. I figured that if someone didn’t like me they weren’t worth listening to and that there were plenty of other people to be friends with. Then there was a period where I wasn’t particularly happy, but I was too exhausted to be actively involved in, well, anything. If you don’t have goals, it doesn’t matter if you don’t reach them. If you aren’t trying to make friends and meet people, it doesn’t matter if your not cool/stylish/mysterious/whatever else people aspire to. But now I am trying to live life to its fullest, I constantly come across things I am not good at, and people who are better at various things than me. But I don’t think that’s a bad thing. I think I just have to find the joy I had in childhood; the knowledge that I was God’s child, the assurance that I was made well and the faith and courage to walk boldly into the future.

Other people may judge me. But then again, maybe they haven’t noticed what I have, or they might even like what I think are faults. Either way, there will always be someone who loves me and is planning the best for me. I wonder how those who don’t know this cope. 



ok, I am sure I have serious, deep or insightful things to write about, but right now I can’t be bothered. So here is a picture of a happy seal pulling off the best photobomb I have seen in a long time. :)

ok, I am sure I have serious, deep or insightful things to write about, but right now I can’t be bothered. So here is a picture of a happy seal pulling off the best photobomb I have seen in a long time. :)





        Let it go,
        Let it out,
        Let it all unravel;
        Let it free
        And it will be
        a path on which to travel
            -Michael Leunig

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